The "Intangibles"

I have heard the saying many times before, more so as a child, "when you play with fire you will get burned".

Have you ever taken the time to examine something that has been burned? Today I took a long wooden match, lit it and watched it burn. When it was about to go out I relit it and watched it burn right down to the very end. I noticed that the whole texture of the match stick had changed. It was fragile to the touch, charred; its straight body was now curved. The heat of the flame literally transformed this stick into something unrecognizable. Pause. I thought for a second. Isn’t it interesting that after a bad break people often say “ I got burned” or “ she burned me”, or coined by Usher, himself “let it burn”.

By now the wheels in my head are beginning to turn. Few things on my mind. What about break ups makes them so bad? Why as women do we always end up feeling like we’ve lost something? And, how similar are break-ups really to being burned?
“Give me back what I gave to you—my heart, my love, my intimacy. It’s a break up, and I want everything back!”

Don’t you wish it were that easy? You will never be able to get back what I will call here, the “intangibles” of a relationship. If you’ve ever felt like something was owed to you, after a bad break up? It’s because there was. But that something can never be returned. It is what I call the “intangibles”, your love, your affection, your intimacy. Your intimacy is God’s gift to you. It becomes the most valuable source of your being, and the most important thing you can share with a man.

Haven’t you ever wonder why after an intimate experience, you begin to feel emotional anxiety? You find yourself asking questions like, “does he really like me?” or “will he call me the next day?” You overanalyze everything because you realize at that point you have lost your most valuable player. For every wrong person you’ve shared an intimate experience with, you have lost a part of you; a little piece of you stolen. Now think about every wrong person there has been. Think also about your feelings toward that person now. How many unworthy men are walking around with a piece of you? If breaking up wasn’t bad enough, now they have the most important thing you hold—your love.

You can pretend like it didn’t hurt, but it did. Now you wish you could sue or something, because you realize he was undeserving, but you can’t. You might pick up the phone, yell and scream a few times, but it’s gone. He took it, like it belonged to him, and in the end you made him feel like it did. So is he really the thief? Take responsibility for your own actions, and try not to get caught up too fast.
Never give up what you cannot afford to lose. Get to know the person before you make a decision that you may live to regret, and most importantly test his spirit.

Let him know from the jump intimacy is not an option. If his face turns pale or he suddenly needs to use the bathroom, he is not the one. Believe it or not, there are still men out there willing to wait. The question is do you believe you are worth it?
If it hurts to walk away it probably means you have given too much of yourself too soon, and got burned.
In the end, you did get burned. I know this because you don’t look the same or even feel the same. Your texture has changed. You are weak and easily broken. Fragile to the touch, once straight, you are now bent. The heat of the moment totally transformed you, and now you are unrecognizable, but thankfully unlike any match stick your charred state is temporary.

This is your time for healing. You are worth more than gold, ask God to restore your broken spirit, and wait upon Him as He begins a new work in you.

Baby Daddy Red Flag

By now you should have made a list of exactly what you are looking for in a mate. How detailed your list becomes is entirely up to you. At the very least, your list should include qualities and attributes that are compatible with your own interests, lifestyle and career goals. Compatibility is important, and you are looking for a mate not a twin. Don’t get caught up over how much you have in common. Aim to be on an equal playing field with the things you hold most important.

If you are anything like me, you will get tripped up over the Mr. Right Now’s from time to time─ the fine brother, with the nice shoes, and amazing conversation. Get over it. He is not the one.

A close girlfriend and I go head to head all the time, because on my list I show a preference for men without children. Before you start gasping, it’s a preference! I am entitled to have those. To me, the kids’ factor can be a very complex, compatibility issue.

The many times I’ve tried to explain my position to my friend, she turns my words around, and I come off sounding prejudice and insensitive. She feels it’s not right for me to reject someone because they have children. And I agree. I don’t think I’m rejecting anyone. I am stating a preference, and I think that our preferences should be qualified by value statements. By this I mean it is not fair to say, I don’t date lighter skinned guys, because they have big egos. Like dark skin men have smaller ones! Not what I'd like to call a "value based" preference.

When I say I don’t want a man with kids I’m considering, the amount of children he has, the age, and the length of time he has been out of the relationship. You can always tell a new a situation, before going in to it. Generally, well-adjusted parents tend to have the older children. They have had time to accept their roles as single parents, are civil and have schedules. (i.e visits, support payments).

With all that considered there is more. What type of relationship exists between these two parents? Newer situations are often still very emotional charged, and can place a strain on your new relationship Depending on the age of the child, your man may even be on call, and remember, it is a package deal, so accepting him and his child might also mean accepting the mother of his child.

And, finally for the attention seeking ladies, can you handle being second or even third sometimes on his list? For any woman without children this could be a little scary, ok a lot scary.

Now what does this all mean? Am I openly saying I would never date a man with a child? Not at all. It means, I will take my time to consider what exactly I am getting myself into.

The man himself will also play a very important role in helping me make my decision. After all, he is the common denominator. The key to maintaining any relationship of this sort requires a lot of trust patience, and communication. Women, you must be patient. I know for me, I can’t tell myself this enough, and for the men this may take a little longer to develop, but the new person in your life must know that you are trust worthy. Be honest and open. Otherwise there might always be doubts in her mind. At the beginning you may even have to work a little harder to show her that there is enough room in your life for her. It is a hard juggling act, but it can be done!
Remember, perfection does not exist. Be reflexive, you never know who you might fall in love with. Besides this, good things can come in twos or maybe even threes, who knows. If he is a good man, and he cares enough he will do all he can to make you feel comfortable!

P.S--- Hats off to all the baby daddy’s that are making a concerted effort to be in their childs life. You are changing the world by simply fulfilling your role as a parent! Bless up!


xoxo

NDG

You make me happy, well... not really

Is my happiness so intimately bound in your affection toward me, that in its absence I feel unhappy?

When a woman looks to a man to make her feel complete, her happiness is contingent on him fulfilling that expectation. When he doesn’t (as so often occurs in real life) it means she will usually remain unhappy, until she finds someone else who is able to offer her the love she is looking for. To her dismay, her search might always turn up empty. Often in our pursuit of happiness, in our mad dash to find love, we overlook the most fundamental source of happiness ─our own. For a woman, happiness is not found in his reflection, sexual escapades or fly by night intimacy; it is what stares back at you each morning when you look in the mirror. You are the catalyst that will start the fire that leads to your own personal and emotional awakening. Loving yourself is a journey of self-discovery that requires patience, periods of reflection and moments of introspection.


It begins with you affirming yourself daily, making sure you know before anyone else tells you, that you are beautiful and deserving of the rewards life brings. It requires some poking and prodding at that inner you, possibly reflecting on some painful experiences of your past that have left you today feeling insecure, inadequate and discouraged. In no way, am I suggesting this journey will be easy, and truthfully it’s not, but it is worth the try. I guarantee the happiness you are searching for will be found. It begins with you. If you will, think of yourself in terms of the market economy, you are the product, how will you pitch yourself? The best sales people are the ones, who believe in the value and quality of their product. When you start believing you are worth the purchase so will everyone else.


And remember, when a man makes you feel appreciated, it is not because of something particular that you have done to occasion good treatment, it is what you deserve! Your happiness belongs to you.


NDG #love

Happy.....Happy......

OOOPPSS.. I forgot! Shout outs to my girl LJ on her bday... We've been family since grade nine.. and I've loved you ever since! Thank you for always being too hard on me. You keep me sane in a crazy world.


To my nephew, Thornell who turned 17 today... I love you... My prayer for you is to challenge yourself to be more in world that forces young black men to be less.
You shine brighter than you think, make the world better by living your purpose.
You already made it.


To my cousins in Baltimore living like the Huxtables HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
I look up to you guys so much! Cheers to a beautiful, power couple!



And to the lady I write in memory of...RIP Jordhanna.. I love you...

I call it...Life Cleaning! Say NO to CLUTTER...

This week!?? Wild....

I did a clean sweep on my bbm.... was told by a dude in a wheelchair, and I quote, "if I was a tall, skinny black guy we would have gone out for drinks by now", and made a final decision to let a homie/lover/friend kick rocks.


I mean there were minor run-ins which I guess could be mentioned briefly, such as the run in with an acquaintance at a friend's wedding. I purposely acted like I didn't see him,but he still had to come over and say "hi" Are you kidding ? I guess I was suppose to forget that you asked me to hang out, few weeks back only to see you today hand in hand with your girl. Am I ever glad I decided not to got out to that movie... #swimgood

This week was a highly emo-week. I had to delete some people off bbm. For whatever reason I was suddenly tired of babysitting the b**@$%#. I mean I had some people on bbm whose mannerisms with exception of one, were outright inappropriate. I'm even surprised they lasted as long as they did. Either way after yesterday I solemnly declared I would dare to be more assertive and stop caring so much about hurting feelings, when if these same people actually had feelings, they would think about the consequences of their actions, and stop over thinking with their pee wees.

Next. so a guy approaches me after a networking event, he is in a wheel chair.Cool Introduces himself. As do I. Fine. Asks for my business card. I have no more. He says, "okay lets do this modern, you on bbm? "I am", I reply, and before I know it I'm scanning this dude on to my phone for business purposes?! uhhhh I think not. The general gist of the convo to follow was him getting a bit more comfortable then I would have liked. With obvious urban influence, he quickly began referring to me as "Ma" and saying my pics on bbm were and I quote, "sexy". Okay? Pause. After days of much contemplation I decide to tell him how I really feel. I say, "I'm okay being friends with you, but I do find your sexy comments inappropriate. We have just met and for the sake of repoire building, your comments are disturbing. Hoping he would understand. The guy responds, "I'm sure if I was an able-bodied tall black guy you wouldn't have found it inappropriate". Needless to say, he was not black...

Wowzers.. I am perplexed at this point! Where in the world did that even come from? Did I ever disclose an ethnic preference? Since when does my ethnicity predetermine the type of men I date. Rather presumptious? I think so! Because I am black, I guess it is assumed that I date only black men!? I was surprised that he was even coming at me in this way. I genuinely thought he was a nice guy, I applauded his charisma, and may have even considered hanging out on a platonic basis. Really, he was just not the type of guy I would date, but him being in a wheelchair had nothing to do with it. Having some sort of disability does not provide an automatic friend pass, and yes it means I won't bring myself and my sexy friend to party with you sometime.

And if its a question of being shallow, and discriminative, surely you would have never arrived on my bbm to begin with... But I realized the bigger picture. This guy probably played up on his disability to get girls, and I found myself being cleverly sucked into feeling apologetic for my unwillingness to excuse comments I felt were inappropriate. AND...it got worse. After I had addressed my feelings he went on in a later convo to ask if I wore 10'inch stripper heels?!? Fortunately for he, he came to a timely end.

On to the next. Okay..(this one hurt a bit)..Is it wrong to return a gift to someone you are no longer talking to in that way? Ha! (I'm a SCORPIO lest you forget)... Why would you think I would keep something, that you bought for me, if your feelings have suddenly changed. I mean of course it all depends on what it is, but... In this case, I wrapped it up nicely, and kindly returned to sender. He should be happy, now he can hand it off to the next girl like nothing ever happened. Rude? A bit. But I'd rather return it, than look at it regrettably each day, cursing your name. As far as I am concerned it is simple. If we're no longer in a state of affair, what better way for us end this sweet chapter, than for me to return to you, what you generously gave to me in your "season of infatuation".

Sorry I didn't ring the doorbell. Hope you didn't trip over it on your way out....


xoxo

NicDeeGEE.

Stole your Heart like a Crook

Aiight so... everytime I post a blog.. one of my homeboys, not mentioning any names , messages me ' men problems, huh'. I think if the sum of all my thoughts amounts to problems, then you've missed the point. I don't babysit the idiosyncrasies of the male ego, I write about them!

.

Now, my girl and I were talking about this last night. I call it the "head fake". Ladies, many of us have already experienced this, but hardly know how to digest it. The head fake can be described as the early stages of a relationship, let's call it the getting to know stage, where the guy pulls out all the stops to get the girl. All his body language says he's "in it to win it". Some examples may be buying her gifts, unexpected visits, spontaneous dates and constant communication.

I mean any girl at this point, would be giggling, maybe even whispering to her girlfriends about this unconventional prospect. Then all of sudden....[without any forewarning] dude goes cold turkey.. I mean a complete 180.... Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but you know.. you begin to notice a change in his behavior. No longer as attentive as he used to be, and it makes you wonder-- did I do something wrong?!

Ladies, if you have ever experienced this...you've just been head faked! He made yah look. Acted like he was heading in your direction, like that small forward going up for the lay up.. and mid air he pulled up! You, his defender goes up preparing for the block but instead of laying it in, he pauses, waits til the defender, (you) goes down, and lays it in ever so gently!!! OHHHHHH!!! Too painful to look..

It happened so fast you didn't even have time to catch yourself.SMH

The worst of it all is when he pretends that he wasn't even looking in your direction to begin with. Hello! You didn't arrive at the conclusion he liked you on your own, but that's all part of the game. Yup. Stole your heart like a crook.

So what do I think?

On a serious note, everyone is entitled to have a change of heart; reasons for which you may not even have to disclose.
You interested in another girl? Fine. What is not fine is when you make her feel like she did something wrong.

Thoughtlessly I want to tell you to be a "man", but alot of us dont even know what that really means. Society dictates what a "man" should be, and how he should respond. Therefore we only come to know what a man should be through another's interpretation and social constructs of gender.

What I will say to you however is.. be conscious of your humanity and be awakened to your responsibility as a person to acknowledge and respond to the feelings of others, not because its something you should know how to do, but because you have feelings too. We all know what it is like to have our heart broken. Forget about the boy meets girl heart break. Let's talk about our first encounter with heartbreak i.e rejection.

Many of us experienced our first broken heart, through the form of rejection from the persons who we are told should have been there to protect us.Our parents. How do you reconcile the heart break of a child who never had a father, or in my case a mother?

Black men told to be MEN, just because. Boys told not to cry. Women expected to take on domestic duties.

How do you just learn to become something that you've never had? That's for another blog.. All I'm saying is, to my Brothas I see your heart break. I understand that in this society you have no recourse to address those past hurts and pains.There is no safe place to let it all out, without your masculinty being called into question. Being male doesn't make your pain any less painful or easier to deal with. But we all get hurt. My friend Jor used to always say "hurt people, hurt people".

Even with your inability to navigate through your own feeling, this doesn't mean its okay for you to recycle your hurt by hurting others.

You owe that lady enough to at least tell her your feelings have changed. Let her know. What's the worse that can happen? Of course she will be hurt, but she will appreciate your willingness to be honest, rather than deposit her on the side, and act like nothing happened. At least keep her informed. Send her a memo.. something!

Vulnerability is only a weakness when you are not awakened to your human consciousness. In every other instance, vulnerability is a strength, it is those who take advantage of your vulnerability that are weak.

I said all that to say, Ladies take a look at the big picture, and watch out for those head fakes! Men, don't use past hurts as an excuse to cause more hurt.Be accountable for your actions. Objective; Love like you've never been hurt. #brandnewlove
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#0.02

NDG

I get " busy" too...

You learn something new everyday.... I really thought when Obama was elected into U.S presidency, that meant we had ONE Black president, but apparently we have a few Black presidents walking around---- so busy they somehow missed they own election. (BLANK STARE)
"
Like really!?? Are you that busy? This week I actually got the "I'm just really busy" line. My mouth almost hit the floor. I mean can an excuse get anymore lame? You mean to tell me in this day and age where Blackberry's have literally become like an extra body part, you're too busy to send a message? To add insult to injury, you know a dude lying when every time you with him he's checking his phone. I had to laugh... Dude, we all BUSY! Why is it every time a guy is busy though, EVERYONE is just suppose to understand?

What was even funnier-- my line was now being used on me! I say "I'm busy", and most often I am, but the difference is I can and will actually attempt to make time for the persons I'm interested in.

So, after kindly messaging the President's secretary to let him know he can take me off his "to do list". He calls me to explain in detail, just how busy he really is. I listen intently, eager to hear about the recent bill he has in negotiation with the Senate, or the peace treaty he's about to sign and I hear " on top of that I still don't know what I am doing for Caribana"

Hmmm... my moment of clarity... I can't believe I was actually concerned about you messaging me!?!

LOL. Folks Caribana, made the list, and I didn't. You do not have to tell me twice... I can always appreciate a man that works diligently towards his goals. I will be the first person to tell you there is nothing more attractive then a man who is progressive and forward thinking.

The problem comes in when your "busy" is used conveniently to deflect accountability. It goes without saying that we all will have times in our lives when we will be so overwhelmed by work, school or life we wont' even have time for our closest friends, yet our defining moments are how we maintain those relationships even at a distance. We live in the same city separated by highways at the most...and a text at the least.

Don't use "busy"as an excuse to treat people different because your feelings have changed; use busy to account for those days when you actually only have time to say "hi" because anything more would have taken too much time.

Moral of the story is: most times, when a person says "I've been busy", it is just a polite way of saying "I'm too busy.... for YOU". Nothing to get mad about, hopefully all your busy will amount to something tangible....

# 0.02 try to keep it as close to real as possible.


peace out....

NDG

What I want.....

You know that saying, “so good at finding what you don’t want”? Isn’t that in a song?? Anyway, feels like that saying was coined for me! Yup, I mean I’ve been labeled “too picky”, “standards too high” … [Blah Blah] My response? Ladies, there is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you want. In fact, there is everything right about knowing…and for these purposes it just happens to be not you, or you, and NOPE not YOU either!



I am easily dissatisfied its true, with the boring…the lazy.. the fake it ‘til you make its… the look good on the outside, but smell on the inside… the still attached to momma’s umbilical cord…. The narcissistic, the cocky… Mr. Arrogant, and Mr. Controlling….. the clingy…the Macho man to “cool” to show his feelings…the Bragadocious.. and most of all the… The MARRIED who always seem to forget that they took VOWS at some point in their lives!!.(Puking Noise) Vomitrocious!


I know what I want, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to sift through all the duds, manufactured defects…. (You get the point).. So what do I want?

I’m attracted to the humorous, strong-willed, confident….ambitious… gentle but not a push over….. the intellectual who knows how to have a good time……the kind hearted and considerate… One who recognizes that he was fearfully and wonderfully made by his Creator....with a trained eye and a trained heart… not afraid to work hard.


Now, personally I don’t think what I am asking for is too much… I mean, apart from the height requirement.. athletic build and nice lips.. lol .. I think heaven has cranked a few of these ANGELS out… mehh I’m willing to wait! # just saying



Words of advice: Ladies, the only time you settle is when the store clerk says they don’t have your size or color …LOL … Now …I’d be delusional if I said you’ll find everything you are looking for, but aim for at least 80% … make a list… and note the things that you are just not willing to compromise… do a cost-benefit analysis… and keep it moving if it requires too much fixing…

# just my 0.02…

NDG signing off…

Silence is Acceptance

Yes, I confess I am a blogger delinquent! It has been a while since I've posted, but I think the longer I'm away the more I have to share,and hopefully the better the posts......quality over quantity. So I share only what truly provokes my thought, inspires my conversations, and of course, aggravates me tremendously...

So with a clear conscious, I share with you, what started out as friendly banter, and escalated into a heated debate.

Now, before I even get into it the gist of the argument, how many of y'all believe that the average person whether they'd like to admit it or not can be coaxed into just about anything at the right price.Before you say that's not you, think about that particular lifestyle, career, or dream salary, that you would love to have. How far would you go to it? How much would you put up with?



Few days ago a friend of mine, shared an observation he had made about me. He said, "you know, I notice you have a problem with accepting authority or simply being told what to do". (Mind you, he probably only arrived at this, because I always do the opposite of whatever he asks, but either way he was correct.)Not a groundbreaking observation. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I have problems being told what to do, but really? Who doesn't? Now I definitely don't pride myself on disobedience, however I especially dislike authority communicated in manners that appear threatening, berating, offensive, abusive.... you get the picture. JUST PLAIN DISRESPECTFUL

I don't harness the belief respect is always earned. All people, in my eyes are deserving of respect at the outset of any relationship, unless proven otherwise. Too idealistic? Maybe, but just because you have something I could potentially benefit from does not mean, that I now owe you my life!

Anyway all this said, and my friend felt that this mindset could prove harmful to me at some point and time in my life. I agreed there will be times when I will be forced to entertain people, even my superiors who might challenge me in these areas, and I will have to learn how to respond accordingly.

Argument so far? Cool. I agree.


My beef and where the cleavage in our arguments began (at least for me) was the amount of disrespect one should allow, if any to maintain that lateral movement. I mean, should I have to be treated poorly, to earn that promotion. I'm not sure I have to. If you were being berated, humiliated or subjected to ill treatment at your workplace by the "trusted" hands of a superior, would you put up with it if you knew that major promotion was at hand? My response? Heck, no! At this point he began shaking his head, which I resented by the way.



In some regard I saw a bit of his point, I mean if you wait it out and get that promotion, you would have gained some bargaining power maybe enough to position yourself, to make some change.


But, of course the argument does not end here. It was at the mercy of our two, egos at this point. Anyway he throws what he thought I guess was a few clever variables into the equation. He says, so what if, you had a family of four, a mortgage and other looming responsibilities, and this job of ten years was your only reference. What would you do? I was like... Really!? (With little to no sarcasm.) Of course, based on this I am forced to weigh my options more seriously. So, I said yes, I probably would tough it out.

But, being me, I had to add some variables of my own..... What if, every time your boss asked you to do something he wasn't just derogatory he threw in some racist commentary along with it? What would you do then? Would you still run and grab that coffee, for the sake of your promotion. Some, might say, yea laughing all the way to the bank, which I think was the point, my friend was making. At the end of the day, he felt like his needs were still being met, but were they really?

If you were employed at a billion dollar corporation, rubbing shoulders with let's say the Donald Trump’s of the industry, everything was perfect, except the fact that in order for you to secure that major promotion you had to endure the sexual exploits of your superior on a day to day basis until that great day. What would you do?

Again, the objection was, I am relating two completely different situations. Really though? Would you allow yourself to be referred to as an N*****, for that executive suite with a window just because it overlooked the city? Ladies would you perform those sexual favors under that office desk, or take that little slap on the derrière every so often in exchange for that six figure income?

What is your price?

I say, anything that compromises your integrity, your personhood, and your collective self worth, anything that compromises what has come to define you, cannot be purchased. There is simply no dollar value. I would rather be poor, yet rich with dignity than rich with little to none.

I don't know, I think we need to ensure we are accessing the right positions and opportunities, but not at the risk of compromising important values. It’s a hard debate!

Do you beat them at their own game, so to speak by "playing" the role 'til you make it to the top, and then change the rules? Or do you try to change the rules as you go along?


I don’t think every battle is to be fought, my faith instructs me to believe that the battle is not always ours it rests with the Sovereign God, yet had Rosa Parks on December 1, 1955 not disobeyed the bus driver orders, refusing to vacate her seat for that white passenger, we would not be able to celebrate the triumphs of the Civil Movement as we have.


Silence is acceptance people!


Just my 0.02

NDG signing off......

Never satisfied....

Sorry for the brief pause.. my cpu was down for a lil..


Hmmm.. well I'm back with a lot on my mind and plate.. but will start with what's on my mind.

Have you ever dreamt of having something, maybe even lusted after it, and when you finally got it, you weren't sure if you really wanted it anymore?

Could it be an ego thing? I mean we all know how good it feels to have "came and conquered". To finally obtain something you've always wanted, especially when you may have disqualified the thought a few times in your mind because it seemed out of your reach. When you finally get it, its a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of gratification.

But, have you ever thought about the initial thought which activated that desire? Some of our wants that mistakenly appear as needs are so superficial that it appeals only to our materially desires, thus when it is finally in our grasp we are not satisfied. Subconsciously, we have already moved on in our minds to something new, our eyes already set on something else. This is precisely what drives consumer behavior. Marketing gurus have been capitalizing on this for decades. As humans, we have an insatiable hunger for more, even when we have acquired almost everything that we've ever wanted, we are not satisfied.

Should I be happy with my recent "accomplishment"? sure, I mean nothing is really out of our reach, all things lol..including people are attainable, but I can't help feeling that it still may not be something I really want. Despite, all assumptions I actually prefer the less complicated route, but still want the best. The best doesn't mean the most aesthetically pleasing, or even best sounding on paper. When we come to align our needs with God's wants and purpose for our life we realise that what is best for us, may not be what we always wanted. In fact it might even be something we've never wanted. Point is when you receive it, and its from God, you will know it.

Lesson: Be prepared to let things go, that are not for you, no matter how great it looks.

As for me, sounding like a conquistador, not sure about this recent acquisition but believe me you'll be hearing about it....

NDG signing off.....

I love your "trained eyes"

Yea I know...random.. but don't you love these commercials..

Isaiah Mustafa your eyes better be trained...

This entry gives koodoo's to men across the globe who have what I like to call "trained eyes". Hands down and I write this most emphatically, there is not much in my book when dealing with the issue of disrespect that rivals a man who exercises little to no control over the gaze of his eyes, ESPECIALLY when in the company of his lady friend. When I say lady friend I mean, woman of interest, girlfriend or worse WIFE!

Don't be misled by the quams of my argument. I am not insecure, or overly territorial, nor am I contesting the nature of the gaze. It is natural. From our creator came eyes to look, to reflect, to admire. I myself am an avid "people watcher". I love to admire beauty, so this argument does not stem from some insecurity that I have with beautiful or attractive women.

I just think there is something perhaps admirable about a man that can acknowledge the presence of an attractive woman with such subtlety that it appears he has not even noticed her at all. Because, let's be real-----ALL men notice when an attractive woman walks in to a room. So, it is not a matter of if he did. The point is he did! Now what will he do with it. Unbeknowest to him, his decision to look or turn away will intimate the rules of all future engagement so it is important, the right decision is made.

To look with that longward gaze or not to look? That becomes the question...

I would be weary of the man that pretended too much not to notice, and terribly concerned by the man who took too much notice, for both are a strong indication of other deep seated issues. For one, you clearly do not have enough restraint or self control to regulate your bodily movements above the waist, how then could I trust the movements below?

And for two, which ties into one. There simply is nothing more blatant which tells of your lack of respect and utter disregard for the woman you' re with than to berate her through you're own social and relational incompetence.

Truth be told what you are really saying to the woman in your midst, is that you cannot be trusted.

Men did, you know that little to no acknowledgement of that beautiful woman that just walked into the room, silently affirms the woman you are with? It is a silent exchange of affirmation between you and her which tells her she is the only woman you see. A man that communicates to his woman publicly through subtle, non threatening gestures and body language that she is valued, also in a non terrirtorial sense marks that woman as his. That woman infused by this security carries this confidence with her where ever she goes. All this imparts trust, and leads to relationships built on a mutual understanding of each other.

My advice, for men still struggling; revert back to the wise words of your kindergarten teacher, keep not only your hands to yourself, but in this case your eyes too!


I love a man with trained eyes, though it does not tell all it reveals much about his character.

Trained eyed men, I salute you!


Smoochies,

NDG

Education for Dummies or is it Miseducation?

So, the society that has been regulating human behavior for centuries told me that school is important. They also told me post secondary education is the key to bridging success. While I still believe in the extensive benefits of furthering education, I am concerned that the recipe for obtaining success may not be as clear-cut as some might suggest.

With a $40,000 student loan, I feel a far cry from success, and without negating the value I attribute to my undergraduate studies, in some ways I still feel cheated. To, all my academic enthusiasts, I missed the part in your "higher education" slogans that said having a bachelors degree in this day and age can be considered almost analogus to a high school diploma!

Uggh...How frustrating to know I toiled earnestly--4 years of rigorous curriculum to be afforded the same opportunities as high school graduates. Koodoos to OSSD's, but the truth that noone tells you (if they did, I didn't want to believe) is that having a BA with no specialization is simply not enough to be considered competitive in this employment market. Hmm you'll quickly find yourself seated right next to that friendly new immigrant.. (MASH UP MEDIA)

Thank you to my recent LSAT prep course for enlarging this perspective. I was disturbed by my instructor's constant reminder,

"Ok you guys on the LSAT, you must read for structure, not content".

To, me what she was really saying was "Ok guys for the the LSAT you must forsake the tutelage of your undergrad, and begin adapting to a learning style that will really equip you for higher learning".

Four years, several hundred articles and now 1,600 dollars later I am finally learning to read for STRUCTURE. Smh. No one could have copied me on the memo, or was there?

conspiracy in higher learning.....

University, like all other institutions or entities responsible for disseminating information provides you with what they want you to know, and you receive exactly what you pay for; the basics in education. They are not required to provide you with anything more then your money will pay for. A bachelor degree can literally be equated to a basic car wash! Yup I said it... just enough to get you clean, but not enough to really shine. To do that you better get that Ultimate car wash, ---Masters /Phd.

For the purpose of preserving the status quo, we are led to believe that only the smartest of the smart should pursue careers in law or medicine. They plant the idea that standardized testing such as the GMAT, MCAT or LSAT are based on aptitude or natural wit, while in actuality these tests are learnable theories of critical thinking.

It is unfortunate that for most of us, we disqualify ourselves before we even try, assuming we do not have what it takes or that we are just not smart enough. I seek to disspell this myth entirely, God has equipped us with a sound mind, and the ability to do all that our minds conceive. Tests, such as the ones mentioned above historically have been designed to exclude particular groups of individuals. Over priced prep courses offered through private instruction exasperate this disparity; most minorities due to financial constraints cannot even afford to access the resources used by their counterparts to get ahead. And if for those who can afford it, you're often working so hard to pay for it, you barely take any noteworthy advantage.

BUT, this is not for us to despair, while we may not have access to benefits of the elite, we have the profound intellectual capacity to learn and inspire. This, coupled with a strong work ethic, and keen sense of determination will take you beyond your dreams. Life is limit-less, so secure the right opportunities and use the barriers which impede, to motivate your success.

I leave you with, W.E.B Dubois "to know a lie while living its contradiction" is to have a double consciousness.

NDG... sending you love..

I am Scorpio...

Conversation last night.

Dream: Y'all scorpio women are crazy...

Nic: Hahaha why you say that?

Dream: You guys just have no boundaries

Nic: (laughing) WHATEVER!

Ok, so daily, weekly, monthly horoscopes, not something I do religiously. You won't ever catch me racing to the local mag stand for that coke- horoscope fix. --- I'm not saying that I'm not totally into my zodiac because we all know scorpios rule (kidding). I just don't buy into that whole fortune telling BS, "on the 15th day of this month you will find love or a business deal will be lucrative on the 21st". Seriously? Y'all forecasts remind me of that infomercial Jafaikan Cleo "Caaall mi nooww"...

Anyway, I am the person however; that will google "scorpio compatibilty" a hundred times, or "scorpio women" just to be reminded of everything that I already know about myself.

Stubborn. Check. Magnetic. Check. Mysterious. Check. Dominant. Check. Check.Check. Crazy, however; is just not on the list! Sorry Dream!

Recounting his own experience, he says " y'all are just too extreme. There is no in between". Roasting in the ambiance of truth, I laugh hysterically, its true!!!! Especially when it comes to relationships, there is NO in between. Having a luke warm agenda with a scorpio woman is nothing short of CRIMINAL, with punitive damages to follow!

For me, I don't play often, but when I do, I play for keeps, and won't stop until I get what I want. That's just the way it is-- old basketball philosophy "go hard or go home". The long and short of it is, everything we do is passionate, once our feelings are invested. Scorpio love holds promise of two extremes; either the best love of your life or your most feared daymare.

So... to my men... knowing what you want from a scorpio woman, would be my best advice. Otherwise, you just might find yourself with a "crazy" ( I like to call very emotional and acutely sensitive) chikita. (Note: this rings true for every woman, not just the scorpios).

Leave the jokers to Batman movies, I like to say, and just be honest with yourself as men, upfront with both your desires and intent.

The most advantageous road is not always the one less travelled, it is the one with clear direction, no ambiguity, minimal speed bumps, and visible signs indicating your destination, and if your lucky the amount of travel time. If nothing else, then at least give her sufficient time to get off at the next exit!

Last point of advice, would be to self-educate. In all instances, read! but in this case, read up on the zodiac of your woman of interest, not because it is biblical truth, but because it can provide some insight, (which most men are in dire need of) as to how to handle some of the charateristics uniquely attributed to personalites born at particular times of the year.

That's just my 0.02

For more about the scorpio woman or any others visit www.iloveindia.com/astrology/

NDG signing off... Smoochies!

Run for cover...

Today I share a diatribe about human relations aka MEN...SURPRISE SURPRISE....

I begin with a small confession; I too am guilty of what I am about to critique, but in my defense people dont usually take note of an offense when they are the perpetrator, only when they become the victim...
so YES Foxy "What a day when the tables will turn, what a day when the tables will tuuurn "

Recently, I was fed my humble pie... I really liked someone, whom months before I was not sure how I felt about. I guess because I was afraid of totally opening myself up I decided to do what I thought was the safe approach..I hit the ground and crawled cautiously like a soldier in the trenches. Pause. who does that? In addition to that I threw a few grenades,before I even reached enemy lines. lol yea nearly blew dude up. smh

I was so afraid of being hurt, I took way more precautions then necessary to ensure my own safety, I mean who's going to watch my back if I don't? Needless to say all my "precautions" got me NO WHERE, but my car, singing "I get lonely too"...


I blew up way too many times, deleted far too many times, apologized just too many times only to blow up. AGAIN!
So the question must be asked, ok Nic why are you even upset about it, you know what you did wrong. Right?

Wrong!----------------

I'm still bothered by this experience because A. Nic never gets dumped! (sorry that was my ego talking). I am bothered because I don't give up on people I care about, and therefore expect the same in return. I could never go from caring deeply for someone today to equating them to an afterthought tomorrow. But, in the same breath if its not there its just not there. Maybe I feel miserably because it happened to me this time.

All in all, ladies, love like you've never been hurt, and live each day as if it were your last. The new person in your life should not have to pay for past hurts. A Keys says "the past is the past because we're getting past".

Peace,

NDG

Oh baby you....

Wow ...so tonight I was reminded why I VALUE my independence. The hardships that often shape independence are not always pretty, but I marvel at how resilient and determined some people become out of adversity. I mean it can be threatening to some especially when a woman for example is so independent, that a man can't even find a safe space to reside in her life. That's when it might become scary. But, don't assume independence is all bad, sure it might appear a little threatening at first, but a woman who can hold her own, is very appealing.

I'm happy that I learned this very early, I am also happy that I have never been one to jump every time a man offers to do something nice for me.

Ladies, EVERYTHING in life comes at a price, so if he's offering to pay your rent, and your tuition and your phonebill all at the same time it may be too good to be true. One of the most fulfilling things in life for me will be to say that everything I have, I bought on my own, and if there was help it was used to compliment my income not subsidize.

So not to further an unnecessary personal attack, lol for the losers who think they can buy my time, you are terribly mistaken. But lovin'the MK sucka!

Love is like the Sea

"Love is like the sea, leaves you on your knees first your floating high then it takes you under"-Alicia Keys

I'm finally beginning to understand why some people resolve to "eff luv". At first, I thought hmm maybe they've been hurt one too many times, (which still might be the case), but perhaps they've just become so exhausted like myself with trying to figure out the impossible.

Women speak in a much different language, or at least I do, and sometimes when I don't speak I expect my actions to. I admit it does require a little more patience, maybe some intuition and even a little compassion coupled with sensitivity to understand where I'm coming from. I hardly ever express my true feelings in any polished way, it usually comes out by way of some tempermental outburst. But geez read BETWEEN the lines, sometimes if a person gets to the point of becoming upset it usually suggests that they CARE!

I understand, some might say, who has time for this?, but time spent is always an indication of commitment. It builds character.

Case and point, when you attend university for example, no one really cares what your major or minor was. The fact that I minored in bioethics means little to my employer. What a university degree does say to employers however; is that you are a person commited to hard work. You have shown that you can dedicate yourself to a task and bring forth results. You are goal oriented, with a spirit of perserverance. A man who is willing to invest time in making a relationship work, translates into a man dedicated and commited to achieving results. It shows he cares about you, and is willing to take the time to get to know you for you.

My friend once told me "Rome was not built in a day Mama". I may not be the easiest person to understand, but a little patience goes a long way.

The Real.

Real recognizes real they say, but I say that we have yet to experience the real, so how might we expect it? The real is the authentic. It is the transparent. It is not fearful. Yet, my real is conscious. It recognizes when it will offend or hurt, reject or put down. So even when I strive for realness in relationships, and friendships, and expect others to be "real" to me, I understand being real may not be a fair expectation. Could I handle naked, unadulterated truth, if that truth was something that might hurt my feelings? If the real was my love that was rejected? To spare the hurt, often times we only share the real that will protect. The real that will lay you down gently. The real, that will avoid that question, that you already know the answer to, for fear of hurting too deeply. So my real may never be the authentic, it may only be the closest thing too.

Love

Love must be sincere... Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12 verses 9-11


Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another... Romans 12 verses 12-16

Taste It.

What's it all for if you don't hold on?