By now you should have made a list of exactly what you are looking for in a mate. How detailed your list becomes is entirely up to you. At the very least, your list should include qualities and attributes that are compatible with your own interests, lifestyle and career goals. Compatibility is important, and you are looking for a mate not a twin. Don’t get caught up over how much you have in common. Aim to be on an equal playing field with the things you hold most important.
If you are anything like me, you will get tripped up over the Mr. Right Now’s from time to time─ the fine brother, with the nice shoes, and amazing conversation. Get over it. He is not the one.
A close girlfriend and I go head to head all the time, because on my list I show a preference for men without children. Before you start gasping, it’s a preference! I am entitled to have those. To me, the kids’ factor can be a very complex, compatibility issue.
The many times I’ve tried to explain my position to my friend, she turns my words around, and I come off sounding prejudice and insensitive. She feels it’s not right for me to reject someone because they have children. And I agree. I don’t think I’m rejecting anyone. I am stating a preference, and I think that our preferences should be qualified by value statements. By this I mean it is not fair to say, I don’t date lighter skinned guys, because they have big egos. Like dark skin men have smaller ones! Not what I'd like to call a "value based" preference.
When I say I don’t want a man with kids I’m considering, the amount of children he has, the age, and the length of time he has been out of the relationship. You can always tell a new a situation, before going in to it. Generally, well-adjusted parents tend to have the older children. They have had time to accept their roles as single parents, are civil and have schedules. (i.e visits, support payments).
With all that considered there is more. What type of relationship exists between these two parents? Newer situations are often still very emotional charged, and can place a strain on your new relationship Depending on the age of the child, your man may even be on call, and remember, it is a package deal, so accepting him and his child might also mean accepting the mother of his child.
And, finally for the attention seeking ladies, can you handle being second or even third sometimes on his list? For any woman without children this could be a little scary, ok a lot scary.
Now what does this all mean? Am I openly saying I would never date a man with a child? Not at all. It means, I will take my time to consider what exactly I am getting myself into.
The man himself will also play a very important role in helping me make my decision. After all, he is the common denominator. The key to maintaining any relationship of this sort requires a lot of trust patience, and communication. Women, you must be patient. I know for me, I can’t tell myself this enough, and for the men this may take a little longer to develop, but the new person in your life must know that you are trust worthy. Be honest and open. Otherwise there might always be doubts in her mind. At the beginning you may even have to work a little harder to show her that there is enough room in your life for her. It is a hard juggling act, but it can be done!
Remember, perfection does not exist. Be reflexive, you never know who you might fall in love with. Besides this, good things can come in twos or maybe even threes, who knows. If he is a good man, and he cares enough he will do all he can to make you feel comfortable!
P.S--- Hats off to all the baby daddy’s that are making a concerted effort to be in their childs life. You are changing the world by simply fulfilling your role as a parent! Bless up!
xoxo
NDG
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