"Separate the Tonights from Tomorrows"

A close friend of mine said something I found truly interesting, he said “separate the tonight’s from tomorrows Nicole”. I’m not sure if he knew how profound it was, but to me it was brilliant! This was one of the few nights I appreciated him talking to me like one of the “boys”. I gather he was speaking in sexual terms; you know the girls you mess around with for one night versus the ones you want to make apart of your future. The significance was incredible.

It made me think..... how can I stop trying to control my future? Or the question should be how can I start? Let’s face it many of us women are control freaks! We want to control, who we meet, at what time, and on what day. We find ourselves trying to control things we really have no business trying to control.

Up until recently, I found myself trying desperately to fix and correct actions and behaviors that were just not in my power to fix. How frustrating! I invested so much energy trying to get him to do and say the things I wanted to hear. You must imagine the “eureka” moment, when I finally accepted that years would not be added to my life trying to change him. Cliché? –a tad but let’s be honest, if he hasn’t done it yet or has, but with little to no consistency, your optimism should end here.

What I realized was others were not to blame for my own unhappiness. We can either add or subtract from our own emotional well being depending on how much time/energy we choose to invest. Would you pour all your savings into a sketchy business venture?

I trust that you wouldn't and it becomes no different with men. It was his momma's job to raise him, and you will be much happier when you stop making it your own. So ladies, what do I say? If he’s a cheater, he will cheat. If he’s a liar, he will lie, and if he's a dog he will eventually BARK! All of these things are not in our control. Our job can be narrowed down to this, to encourage, to suggest to even affirm but not to change.

Locate your means of agency. You may discover your efforts are better spent focusing on what you can control. But the choice is yours, as it was mine. You are much more empowered than you think. You choose who to spend time with, how much time you will spend, and how much space this person will occupy in your life. Sounds to me like the ball is in our court. It’s time to "separate the tonights from tomorrows".


2012: Let’s stop focusing on what we cannot change and focus on what we can.
(Thank you YB for the inspiration)

Peace Love & Happiness,
NDG

The "Intangibles"

I have heard the saying many times before, more so as a child, "when you play with fire you will get burned".

Have you ever taken the time to examine something that has been burned? Today I took a long wooden match, lit it and watched it burn. When it was about to go out I relit it and watched it burn right down to the very end. I noticed that the whole texture of the match stick had changed. It was fragile to the touch, charred; its straight body was now curved. The heat of the flame literally transformed this stick into something unrecognizable. Pause. I thought for a second. Isn’t it interesting that after a bad break people often say “ I got burned” or “ she burned me”, or coined by Usher, himself “let it burn”.

By now the wheels in my head are beginning to turn. Few things on my mind. What about break ups makes them so bad? Why as women do we always end up feeling like we’ve lost something? And, how similar are break-ups really to being burned?
“Give me back what I gave to you—my heart, my love, my intimacy. It’s a break up, and I want everything back!”

Don’t you wish it were that easy? You will never be able to get back what I will call here, the “intangibles” of a relationship. If you’ve ever felt like something was owed to you, after a bad break up? It’s because there was. But that something can never be returned. It is what I call the “intangibles”, your love, your affection, your intimacy. Your intimacy is God’s gift to you. It becomes the most valuable source of your being, and the most important thing you can share with a man.

Haven’t you ever wonder why after an intimate experience, you begin to feel emotional anxiety? You find yourself asking questions like, “does he really like me?” or “will he call me the next day?” You overanalyze everything because you realize at that point you have lost your most valuable player. For every wrong person you’ve shared an intimate experience with, you have lost a part of you; a little piece of you stolen. Now think about every wrong person there has been. Think also about your feelings toward that person now. How many unworthy men are walking around with a piece of you? If breaking up wasn’t bad enough, now they have the most important thing you hold—your love.

You can pretend like it didn’t hurt, but it did. Now you wish you could sue or something, because you realize he was undeserving, but you can’t. You might pick up the phone, yell and scream a few times, but it’s gone. He took it, like it belonged to him, and in the end you made him feel like it did. So is he really the thief? Take responsibility for your own actions, and try not to get caught up too fast.
Never give up what you cannot afford to lose. Get to know the person before you make a decision that you may live to regret, and most importantly test his spirit.

Let him know from the jump intimacy is not an option. If his face turns pale or he suddenly needs to use the bathroom, he is not the one. Believe it or not, there are still men out there willing to wait. The question is do you believe you are worth it?
If it hurts to walk away it probably means you have given too much of yourself too soon, and got burned.
In the end, you did get burned. I know this because you don’t look the same or even feel the same. Your texture has changed. You are weak and easily broken. Fragile to the touch, once straight, you are now bent. The heat of the moment totally transformed you, and now you are unrecognizable, but thankfully unlike any match stick your charred state is temporary.

This is your time for healing. You are worth more than gold, ask God to restore your broken spirit, and wait upon Him as He begins a new work in you.

Baby Daddy Red Flag

By now you should have made a list of exactly what you are looking for in a mate. How detailed your list becomes is entirely up to you. At the very least, your list should include qualities and attributes that are compatible with your own interests, lifestyle and career goals. Compatibility is important, and you are looking for a mate not a twin. Don’t get caught up over how much you have in common. Aim to be on an equal playing field with the things you hold most important.

If you are anything like me, you will get tripped up over the Mr. Right Now’s from time to time─ the fine brother, with the nice shoes, and amazing conversation. Get over it. He is not the one.

A close girlfriend and I go head to head all the time, because on my list I show a preference for men without children. Before you start gasping, it’s a preference! I am entitled to have those. To me, the kids’ factor can be a very complex, compatibility issue.

The many times I’ve tried to explain my position to my friend, she turns my words around, and I come off sounding prejudice and insensitive. She feels it’s not right for me to reject someone because they have children. And I agree. I don’t think I’m rejecting anyone. I am stating a preference, and I think that our preferences should be qualified by value statements. By this I mean it is not fair to say, I don’t date lighter skinned guys, because they have big egos. Like dark skin men have smaller ones! Not what I'd like to call a "value based" preference.

When I say I don’t want a man with kids I’m considering, the amount of children he has, the age, and the length of time he has been out of the relationship. You can always tell a new a situation, before going in to it. Generally, well-adjusted parents tend to have the older children. They have had time to accept their roles as single parents, are civil and have schedules. (i.e visits, support payments).

With all that considered there is more. What type of relationship exists between these two parents? Newer situations are often still very emotional charged, and can place a strain on your new relationship Depending on the age of the child, your man may even be on call, and remember, it is a package deal, so accepting him and his child might also mean accepting the mother of his child.

And, finally for the attention seeking ladies, can you handle being second or even third sometimes on his list? For any woman without children this could be a little scary, ok a lot scary.

Now what does this all mean? Am I openly saying I would never date a man with a child? Not at all. It means, I will take my time to consider what exactly I am getting myself into.

The man himself will also play a very important role in helping me make my decision. After all, he is the common denominator. The key to maintaining any relationship of this sort requires a lot of trust patience, and communication. Women, you must be patient. I know for me, I can’t tell myself this enough, and for the men this may take a little longer to develop, but the new person in your life must know that you are trust worthy. Be honest and open. Otherwise there might always be doubts in her mind. At the beginning you may even have to work a little harder to show her that there is enough room in your life for her. It is a hard juggling act, but it can be done!
Remember, perfection does not exist. Be reflexive, you never know who you might fall in love with. Besides this, good things can come in twos or maybe even threes, who knows. If he is a good man, and he cares enough he will do all he can to make you feel comfortable!

P.S--- Hats off to all the baby daddy’s that are making a concerted effort to be in their childs life. You are changing the world by simply fulfilling your role as a parent! Bless up!


xoxo

NDG

You make me happy, well... not really

Is my happiness so intimately bound in your affection toward me, that in its absence I feel unhappy?

When a woman looks to a man to make her feel complete, her happiness is contingent on him fulfilling that expectation. When he doesn’t (as so often occurs in real life) it means she will usually remain unhappy, until she finds someone else who is able to offer her the love she is looking for. To her dismay, her search might always turn up empty. Often in our pursuit of happiness, in our mad dash to find love, we overlook the most fundamental source of happiness ─our own. For a woman, happiness is not found in his reflection, sexual escapades or fly by night intimacy; it is what stares back at you each morning when you look in the mirror. You are the catalyst that will start the fire that leads to your own personal and emotional awakening. Loving yourself is a journey of self-discovery that requires patience, periods of reflection and moments of introspection.


It begins with you affirming yourself daily, making sure you know before anyone else tells you, that you are beautiful and deserving of the rewards life brings. It requires some poking and prodding at that inner you, possibly reflecting on some painful experiences of your past that have left you today feeling insecure, inadequate and discouraged. In no way, am I suggesting this journey will be easy, and truthfully it’s not, but it is worth the try. I guarantee the happiness you are searching for will be found. It begins with you. If you will, think of yourself in terms of the market economy, you are the product, how will you pitch yourself? The best sales people are the ones, who believe in the value and quality of their product. When you start believing you are worth the purchase so will everyone else.


And remember, when a man makes you feel appreciated, it is not because of something particular that you have done to occasion good treatment, it is what you deserve! Your happiness belongs to you.


NDG #love

Happy.....Happy......

OOOPPSS.. I forgot! Shout outs to my girl LJ on her bday... We've been family since grade nine.. and I've loved you ever since! Thank you for always being too hard on me. You keep me sane in a crazy world.


To my nephew, Thornell who turned 17 today... I love you... My prayer for you is to challenge yourself to be more in world that forces young black men to be less.
You shine brighter than you think, make the world better by living your purpose.
You already made it.


To my cousins in Baltimore living like the Huxtables HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
I look up to you guys so much! Cheers to a beautiful, power couple!



And to the lady I write in memory of...RIP Jordhanna.. I love you...

I call it...Life Cleaning! Say NO to CLUTTER...

This week!?? Wild....

I did a clean sweep on my bbm.... was told by a dude in a wheelchair, and I quote, "if I was a tall, skinny black guy we would have gone out for drinks by now", and made a final decision to let a homie/lover/friend kick rocks.


I mean there were minor run-ins which I guess could be mentioned briefly, such as the run in with an acquaintance at a friend's wedding. I purposely acted like I didn't see him,but he still had to come over and say "hi" Are you kidding ? I guess I was suppose to forget that you asked me to hang out, few weeks back only to see you today hand in hand with your girl. Am I ever glad I decided not to got out to that movie... #swimgood

This week was a highly emo-week. I had to delete some people off bbm. For whatever reason I was suddenly tired of babysitting the b**@$%#. I mean I had some people on bbm whose mannerisms with exception of one, were outright inappropriate. I'm even surprised they lasted as long as they did. Either way after yesterday I solemnly declared I would dare to be more assertive and stop caring so much about hurting feelings, when if these same people actually had feelings, they would think about the consequences of their actions, and stop over thinking with their pee wees.

Next. so a guy approaches me after a networking event, he is in a wheel chair.Cool Introduces himself. As do I. Fine. Asks for my business card. I have no more. He says, "okay lets do this modern, you on bbm? "I am", I reply, and before I know it I'm scanning this dude on to my phone for business purposes?! uhhhh I think not. The general gist of the convo to follow was him getting a bit more comfortable then I would have liked. With obvious urban influence, he quickly began referring to me as "Ma" and saying my pics on bbm were and I quote, "sexy". Okay? Pause. After days of much contemplation I decide to tell him how I really feel. I say, "I'm okay being friends with you, but I do find your sexy comments inappropriate. We have just met and for the sake of repoire building, your comments are disturbing. Hoping he would understand. The guy responds, "I'm sure if I was an able-bodied tall black guy you wouldn't have found it inappropriate". Needless to say, he was not black...

Wowzers.. I am perplexed at this point! Where in the world did that even come from? Did I ever disclose an ethnic preference? Since when does my ethnicity predetermine the type of men I date. Rather presumptious? I think so! Because I am black, I guess it is assumed that I date only black men!? I was surprised that he was even coming at me in this way. I genuinely thought he was a nice guy, I applauded his charisma, and may have even considered hanging out on a platonic basis. Really, he was just not the type of guy I would date, but him being in a wheelchair had nothing to do with it. Having some sort of disability does not provide an automatic friend pass, and yes it means I won't bring myself and my sexy friend to party with you sometime.

And if its a question of being shallow, and discriminative, surely you would have never arrived on my bbm to begin with... But I realized the bigger picture. This guy probably played up on his disability to get girls, and I found myself being cleverly sucked into feeling apologetic for my unwillingness to excuse comments I felt were inappropriate. AND...it got worse. After I had addressed my feelings he went on in a later convo to ask if I wore 10'inch stripper heels?!? Fortunately for he, he came to a timely end.

On to the next. Okay..(this one hurt a bit)..Is it wrong to return a gift to someone you are no longer talking to in that way? Ha! (I'm a SCORPIO lest you forget)... Why would you think I would keep something, that you bought for me, if your feelings have suddenly changed. I mean of course it all depends on what it is, but... In this case, I wrapped it up nicely, and kindly returned to sender. He should be happy, now he can hand it off to the next girl like nothing ever happened. Rude? A bit. But I'd rather return it, than look at it regrettably each day, cursing your name. As far as I am concerned it is simple. If we're no longer in a state of affair, what better way for us end this sweet chapter, than for me to return to you, what you generously gave to me in your "season of infatuation".

Sorry I didn't ring the doorbell. Hope you didn't trip over it on your way out....


xoxo

NicDeeGEE.

Stole your Heart like a Crook

Aiight so... everytime I post a blog.. one of my homeboys, not mentioning any names , messages me ' men problems, huh'. I think if the sum of all my thoughts amounts to problems, then you've missed the point. I don't babysit the idiosyncrasies of the male ego, I write about them!

.

Now, my girl and I were talking about this last night. I call it the "head fake". Ladies, many of us have already experienced this, but hardly know how to digest it. The head fake can be described as the early stages of a relationship, let's call it the getting to know stage, where the guy pulls out all the stops to get the girl. All his body language says he's "in it to win it". Some examples may be buying her gifts, unexpected visits, spontaneous dates and constant communication.

I mean any girl at this point, would be giggling, maybe even whispering to her girlfriends about this unconventional prospect. Then all of sudden....[without any forewarning] dude goes cold turkey.. I mean a complete 180.... Okay, I'm exaggerating a little, but you know.. you begin to notice a change in his behavior. No longer as attentive as he used to be, and it makes you wonder-- did I do something wrong?!

Ladies, if you have ever experienced this...you've just been head faked! He made yah look. Acted like he was heading in your direction, like that small forward going up for the lay up.. and mid air he pulled up! You, his defender goes up preparing for the block but instead of laying it in, he pauses, waits til the defender, (you) goes down, and lays it in ever so gently!!! OHHHHHH!!! Too painful to look..

It happened so fast you didn't even have time to catch yourself.SMH

The worst of it all is when he pretends that he wasn't even looking in your direction to begin with. Hello! You didn't arrive at the conclusion he liked you on your own, but that's all part of the game. Yup. Stole your heart like a crook.

So what do I think?

On a serious note, everyone is entitled to have a change of heart; reasons for which you may not even have to disclose.
You interested in another girl? Fine. What is not fine is when you make her feel like she did something wrong.

Thoughtlessly I want to tell you to be a "man", but alot of us dont even know what that really means. Society dictates what a "man" should be, and how he should respond. Therefore we only come to know what a man should be through another's interpretation and social constructs of gender.

What I will say to you however is.. be conscious of your humanity and be awakened to your responsibility as a person to acknowledge and respond to the feelings of others, not because its something you should know how to do, but because you have feelings too. We all know what it is like to have our heart broken. Forget about the boy meets girl heart break. Let's talk about our first encounter with heartbreak i.e rejection.

Many of us experienced our first broken heart, through the form of rejection from the persons who we are told should have been there to protect us.Our parents. How do you reconcile the heart break of a child who never had a father, or in my case a mother?

Black men told to be MEN, just because. Boys told not to cry. Women expected to take on domestic duties.

How do you just learn to become something that you've never had? That's for another blog.. All I'm saying is, to my Brothas I see your heart break. I understand that in this society you have no recourse to address those past hurts and pains.There is no safe place to let it all out, without your masculinty being called into question. Being male doesn't make your pain any less painful or easier to deal with. But we all get hurt. My friend Jor used to always say "hurt people, hurt people".

Even with your inability to navigate through your own feeling, this doesn't mean its okay for you to recycle your hurt by hurting others.

You owe that lady enough to at least tell her your feelings have changed. Let her know. What's the worse that can happen? Of course she will be hurt, but she will appreciate your willingness to be honest, rather than deposit her on the side, and act like nothing happened. At least keep her informed. Send her a memo.. something!

Vulnerability is only a weakness when you are not awakened to your human consciousness. In every other instance, vulnerability is a strength, it is those who take advantage of your vulnerability that are weak.

I said all that to say, Ladies take a look at the big picture, and watch out for those head fakes! Men, don't use past hurts as an excuse to cause more hurt.Be accountable for your actions. Objective; Love like you've never been hurt. #brandnewlove
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#0.02

NDG