The "Intangibles"

I have heard the saying many times before, more so as a child, "when you play with fire you will get burned".

Have you ever taken the time to examine something that has been burned? Today I took a long wooden match, lit it and watched it burn. When it was about to go out I relit it and watched it burn right down to the very end. I noticed that the whole texture of the match stick had changed. It was fragile to the touch, charred; its straight body was now curved. The heat of the flame literally transformed this stick into something unrecognizable. Pause. I thought for a second. Isn’t it interesting that after a bad break people often say “ I got burned” or “ she burned me”, or coined by Usher, himself “let it burn”.

By now the wheels in my head are beginning to turn. Few things on my mind. What about break ups makes them so bad? Why as women do we always end up feeling like we’ve lost something? And, how similar are break-ups really to being burned?
“Give me back what I gave to you—my heart, my love, my intimacy. It’s a break up, and I want everything back!”

Don’t you wish it were that easy? You will never be able to get back what I will call here, the “intangibles” of a relationship. If you’ve ever felt like something was owed to you, after a bad break up? It’s because there was. But that something can never be returned. It is what I call the “intangibles”, your love, your affection, your intimacy. Your intimacy is God’s gift to you. It becomes the most valuable source of your being, and the most important thing you can share with a man.

Haven’t you ever wonder why after an intimate experience, you begin to feel emotional anxiety? You find yourself asking questions like, “does he really like me?” or “will he call me the next day?” You overanalyze everything because you realize at that point you have lost your most valuable player. For every wrong person you’ve shared an intimate experience with, you have lost a part of you; a little piece of you stolen. Now think about every wrong person there has been. Think also about your feelings toward that person now. How many unworthy men are walking around with a piece of you? If breaking up wasn’t bad enough, now they have the most important thing you hold—your love.

You can pretend like it didn’t hurt, but it did. Now you wish you could sue or something, because you realize he was undeserving, but you can’t. You might pick up the phone, yell and scream a few times, but it’s gone. He took it, like it belonged to him, and in the end you made him feel like it did. So is he really the thief? Take responsibility for your own actions, and try not to get caught up too fast.
Never give up what you cannot afford to lose. Get to know the person before you make a decision that you may live to regret, and most importantly test his spirit.

Let him know from the jump intimacy is not an option. If his face turns pale or he suddenly needs to use the bathroom, he is not the one. Believe it or not, there are still men out there willing to wait. The question is do you believe you are worth it?
If it hurts to walk away it probably means you have given too much of yourself too soon, and got burned.
In the end, you did get burned. I know this because you don’t look the same or even feel the same. Your texture has changed. You are weak and easily broken. Fragile to the touch, once straight, you are now bent. The heat of the moment totally transformed you, and now you are unrecognizable, but thankfully unlike any match stick your charred state is temporary.

This is your time for healing. You are worth more than gold, ask God to restore your broken spirit, and wait upon Him as He begins a new work in you.

Baby Daddy Red Flag

By now you should have made a list of exactly what you are looking for in a mate. How detailed your list becomes is entirely up to you. At the very least, your list should include qualities and attributes that are compatible with your own interests, lifestyle and career goals. Compatibility is important, and you are looking for a mate not a twin. Don’t get caught up over how much you have in common. Aim to be on an equal playing field with the things you hold most important.

If you are anything like me, you will get tripped up over the Mr. Right Now’s from time to time─ the fine brother, with the nice shoes, and amazing conversation. Get over it. He is not the one.

A close girlfriend and I go head to head all the time, because on my list I show a preference for men without children. Before you start gasping, it’s a preference! I am entitled to have those. To me, the kids’ factor can be a very complex, compatibility issue.

The many times I’ve tried to explain my position to my friend, she turns my words around, and I come off sounding prejudice and insensitive. She feels it’s not right for me to reject someone because they have children. And I agree. I don’t think I’m rejecting anyone. I am stating a preference, and I think that our preferences should be qualified by value statements. By this I mean it is not fair to say, I don’t date lighter skinned guys, because they have big egos. Like dark skin men have smaller ones! Not what I'd like to call a "value based" preference.

When I say I don’t want a man with kids I’m considering, the amount of children he has, the age, and the length of time he has been out of the relationship. You can always tell a new a situation, before going in to it. Generally, well-adjusted parents tend to have the older children. They have had time to accept their roles as single parents, are civil and have schedules. (i.e visits, support payments).

With all that considered there is more. What type of relationship exists between these two parents? Newer situations are often still very emotional charged, and can place a strain on your new relationship Depending on the age of the child, your man may even be on call, and remember, it is a package deal, so accepting him and his child might also mean accepting the mother of his child.

And, finally for the attention seeking ladies, can you handle being second or even third sometimes on his list? For any woman without children this could be a little scary, ok a lot scary.

Now what does this all mean? Am I openly saying I would never date a man with a child? Not at all. It means, I will take my time to consider what exactly I am getting myself into.

The man himself will also play a very important role in helping me make my decision. After all, he is the common denominator. The key to maintaining any relationship of this sort requires a lot of trust patience, and communication. Women, you must be patient. I know for me, I can’t tell myself this enough, and for the men this may take a little longer to develop, but the new person in your life must know that you are trust worthy. Be honest and open. Otherwise there might always be doubts in her mind. At the beginning you may even have to work a little harder to show her that there is enough room in your life for her. It is a hard juggling act, but it can be done!
Remember, perfection does not exist. Be reflexive, you never know who you might fall in love with. Besides this, good things can come in twos or maybe even threes, who knows. If he is a good man, and he cares enough he will do all he can to make you feel comfortable!

P.S--- Hats off to all the baby daddy’s that are making a concerted effort to be in their childs life. You are changing the world by simply fulfilling your role as a parent! Bless up!


xoxo

NDG

You make me happy, well... not really

Is my happiness so intimately bound in your affection toward me, that in its absence I feel unhappy?

When a woman looks to a man to make her feel complete, her happiness is contingent on him fulfilling that expectation. When he doesn’t (as so often occurs in real life) it means she will usually remain unhappy, until she finds someone else who is able to offer her the love she is looking for. To her dismay, her search might always turn up empty. Often in our pursuit of happiness, in our mad dash to find love, we overlook the most fundamental source of happiness ─our own. For a woman, happiness is not found in his reflection, sexual escapades or fly by night intimacy; it is what stares back at you each morning when you look in the mirror. You are the catalyst that will start the fire that leads to your own personal and emotional awakening. Loving yourself is a journey of self-discovery that requires patience, periods of reflection and moments of introspection.


It begins with you affirming yourself daily, making sure you know before anyone else tells you, that you are beautiful and deserving of the rewards life brings. It requires some poking and prodding at that inner you, possibly reflecting on some painful experiences of your past that have left you today feeling insecure, inadequate and discouraged. In no way, am I suggesting this journey will be easy, and truthfully it’s not, but it is worth the try. I guarantee the happiness you are searching for will be found. It begins with you. If you will, think of yourself in terms of the market economy, you are the product, how will you pitch yourself? The best sales people are the ones, who believe in the value and quality of their product. When you start believing you are worth the purchase so will everyone else.


And remember, when a man makes you feel appreciated, it is not because of something particular that you have done to occasion good treatment, it is what you deserve! Your happiness belongs to you.


NDG #love