A close friend of mine said something I found truly interesting, he said “separate the tonight’s from tomorrows Nicole”. I’m not sure if he knew how profound it was, but to me it was brilliant! This was one of the few nights I appreciated him talking to me like one of the “boys”. I gather he was speaking in sexual terms; you know the girls you mess around with for one night versus the ones you want to make apart of your future. The significance was incredible.
It made me think..... how can I stop trying to control my future? Or the question should be how can I start? Let’s face it many of us women are control freaks! We want to control, who we meet, at what time, and on what day. We find ourselves trying to control things we really have no business trying to control.
Up until recently, I found myself trying desperately to fix and correct actions and behaviors that were just not in my power to fix. How frustrating! I invested so much energy trying to get him to do and say the things I wanted to hear. You must imagine the “eureka” moment, when I finally accepted that years would not be added to my life trying to change him. Cliché? –a tad but let’s be honest, if he hasn’t done it yet or has, but with little to no consistency, your optimism should end here.
What I realized was others were not to blame for my own unhappiness. We can either add or subtract from our own emotional well being depending on how much time/energy we choose to invest. Would you pour all your savings into a sketchy business venture?
I trust that you wouldn't and it becomes no different with men. It was his momma's job to raise him, and you will be much happier when you stop making it your own. So ladies, what do I say? If he’s a cheater, he will cheat. If he’s a liar, he will lie, and if he's a dog he will eventually BARK! All of these things are not in our control. Our job can be narrowed down to this, to encourage, to suggest to even affirm but not to change.
Locate your means of agency. You may discover your efforts are better spent focusing on what you can control. But the choice is yours, as it was mine. You are much more empowered than you think. You choose who to spend time with, how much time you will spend, and how much space this person will occupy in your life. Sounds to me like the ball is in our court. It’s time to "separate the tonights from tomorrows".
2012: Let’s stop focusing on what we cannot change and focus on what we can.
(Thank you YB for the inspiration)
Peace Love & Happiness,
NDG
